Monday, November 8, 2010

Rural Legend, Part I - Fiction

This novella, the award-nominated Rural Legend by Eric R. Lowther, first appeared a few years ago in Theaker's Quarterly, an anthology magazine that is actually not truly quarterly but is in fact a fantastic regular anthology put out by Stephen Theaker et al about once every six weeks or so. The stories there run the gamut from horror to straight sci-fi and back again, with liberal doses of high fantasy and speculative fiction, and I highly recommend that you check out the publication.

Considering it's size as a novella, I've decided to break this tale into three parts. Parts II and III will be posted on Monday, 11/15/10 and Monday, 11/22/10 respectively. This story was quite well-received when it was published, and to date is the one I've received the most feedback from. I hope you'll like it, too. - Author



Mabel wiped her hands while she stood looking at her kitchen door. Everything was big in Montana. Big land, big sky, and the men tended to follow suit. But this one… Billy had gone to town earlier that morning to talk to the bank about the mortgage and her younger son Everett should be out in the barn. That left her and the man on her back porch. She had left the door open to let in the early–morning spring breeze, leaving only the thin screen door between her and the stranger. She wished not for the first time that her husband, Bill, had come back from the war. Bill knew how to deal with big men. But Germany had needed his blood more than the ranch, she’d oft been told. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and walked to the door.

She stared at the mass of flannel in the tiny grid pattern of the screen for a moment then tried to peer up past the door frame. The most she could see was a thickly-bearded chin. The man’s chest had to be three feet wide if it was an inch, and his wide leather belt was nearly even with her breast. He held his massive hands folded before him and stood, patiently waiting for her to acknwledge him. “Yes?” she asked quietly. The man’s size was truly intimidating.

“’Mornin, ma’am!” an impossibly deep voice boomed from somewhere above the door. “Beautiful mornin, isn’t it, ma’am?”

“I… yes… can I… help you?” Mabel asked out of reflex. For some reason she hadn’t expected him to be so cordial.

“Actually, ma’am, I was hopin I could help you. Oh, where’s my manners got to?” he suddenly said and stepped back several paces from the door so that she could see his face. “Sorry, ma’am.”

Mabel could see his whole body from this perspective. The man had to be more than seven feet tall. His shoulder-length black hair and close–trimmed beard were liberally sprinkled with bright silver. His smile was an easy, carefree gesture, as if it was the expression he was most used to wearing. He wore a plaid flannel shirt rolled up at the cuffs with both wide suspenders and a belt to hold up his brown work trousers, the cuffs of which had been carelessly stuck into a pair of high and impossibly large leather work boots. The picture of a logger, albeit the biggest she had ever seen. “Name’s Paul, ma’am… and the puns don’t bother me a bit.” he said easily. Mabel smiled at the joke on his obvious stature and name and found she wasn’t nearly as afraid of the man as she had been only moments ago.

“Well… Paul… what brings you about?”

“Well, ma’am, I’m ‘fraid to say I’m a bit of a drifter right now. Just lookin for a bit o work to keep my belly from rumblin and my hands from becoming the devil’s, if you catch my meanin. I saw this spread from the road, thought you might be in need of some help around the place. Good with my hands and never walked away from a day’s work.” Mabel stared at the man for a long time. No one had come looking for work since before the war. It had been hard when Bill senior went to away, harder still when most of the boys and men that worked the ranch answered the call. Hardest of all was none of them coming back. She had her sons, but Bill Jr. was still cutting his teeth in the family trade and little Everett just didn’t have the size and experience to tackle the big jobs. It was all she could do to get enough cattle to market to keep the place and themselves alive. But still, he was obviously a worker and if his size were any indication, there weren’t too many labors he couldn’t handle.

“How about we start with some wood, then some breakfast. We can see about any other chores after that.” Mabel said. The big man nodded and swept his knit cap from his head with a flourish.

“Thank you, ma’am. Saw the pile ‘round back. Have that done up in a blink.” He turned and went off the porch, not bothering to use the steps. With his incredible size the few feet from the porch to the ground made for hardly a step itself. She waited until he was out of sight then went to the sitting room where she could see him from the side window. Paul wielded the axe in one hand, cutting through the big, rough logs like a hot knife through butter. The tool looked like a child’s plaything in his massive grip as he quickly, methodically went through nearly two cords’ worth of rough logs. At this rate, they’d have enough cut wood to last till Christmas. Mabel remembered herself and Paul’s payment for his services and hurried into the kitchen. She made a rough mental calculation of the man’s size relative to that of her late husband, then doubled what she would have made for him. By the time he had finished with the wood and had come back to the porch, she had a half dozen eggs, a half pound of bacon and some biscuits left over from yesterday’s baking waiting for him.

###

Paul remained on the porch as she handed him the plate and a large tumbler of buttermilk. “Whoo! Thank you, ma’am! I’m not sure I can eat all this, but I’ll surely try!” Paul sat down by the steps, his feet firmly planted on the ground. In less than two minutes the plate was as clean as it had been before she'd loaded it down with the last drop of sweetmilk stuck in his thick moustache. He set the plate and glass down then let out a belch that shook the windows in their casings. He turned his head sheepishly and found her staring open–mouthed through the screen door. “Oh, sorry ma’am. Keep forgettin I’m not in the bunk house. But oh! That was the best breakfast I’ve had in a long time! Thanks again, ma’am.”

“You’re welcome…” was all she could say as he got up and brought her his plate and glass.

“You know somethin, ma’am? That was so good I think I still owe you a chore. Noticed you got a loose step there. Let me fix that for ya?”

“Well… yes, I guess so… if you’re inclined to…”

“It’d be my pleasure, ma’am…” The exchange was cut short by a shrill yell from the barn below the house.

“Everett!” Mabel cried out and came out the door. She joined Paul on the porch and looked down towards the barn. A straw–haired boy of no more than ten summers ran out of the barn, waving excitedly.

“It’s time!” then, “Who’s that?” Everett called out.

“Never you mind! You just get in there with her!” Mabel answered.

“Problem, ma’am?” Paul asked as they came off the porch and towards the barn.

“Got a mare going into labor. Shouldn’t happen for another two weeks yet.” she replied breathlessly as she hurried to the barn. Paul tried to match his excessive gait to the small woman’s steps and nearly tripped over his own boots. He resisted the temptation to carry her bodily to the barn and slowed his pace to stay even with her.

They ran inside the barn with Paul having to duck to get through the doorway. The warm smell of livestock and old hay enveloped them in the cool darkness as they made their way to the end of the barn. They found the boy with a large mare lying on the floor of a stall. The mare’s breath was labored, her nostrils flared from the strain. Everett looked up at Paul for a moment, but the excitement turned his attentions back to the mare, Granny, and his mother. “She just lay down and started breathin’ like this, ma’.” Everett said. “I thought you said she wasn’t going to do this yet…”

“Sometimes the good Lord keeps his own watch, Everett.” she answered as she kneeled on the hay and lifted the mare’s tail. A tiny pair of hooves protruded from the laboring horse. “Everett, go fetch some water and rags from the tack.” The boy nodded then stood and started running in the same motion, a feat that only young children seem capable of without injury.

“Anything I can do, ma’am?” Paul offered quietly from high above her.

“You can say a prayer or two, Paul. I’m sure Granny won’t mind.” came her breathless reply. She laid a hand on the mare’s swollen belly and tried to speak soothingly to her. The mare pushed involuntarily, further proving the foal was securely lodged. Granny bleated and looked back at Mabel with wide eyes. “It’ll be okay, girl. You just hang in there.” Everett ran back into the stall, water sloshing from the wooden pail and down Paul’s boot.
“Is she gonna be okay, ma?” he whispered.

“It’s in God’s hands.” She dipped a rag in the pail and wiped off the small hooves. Grabbing one in each hand, she felt the feeble movement of the foal in response. At least it was still alive. She waited a moment, felt Granny push and tried to pull on the foal at the same time. It was no use. The foal was wedged far too tightly. Paul stepped past mother and son and kneeled down at the animal’s head.
“With your pardons, ma’am…” he said to Mabel in an apologetic tone. He stroked the horse's mane with his powerful hand and started whispering softly and so close to the animal's ear that his beard tickled the hairs in her ear. Mother and son couldn’t hear what Paul shared with the mare, but whatever he said seemed to have an effect. The horse relaxed almost instantly, its breathing slowing considerably as it laid its head down. Without moving from the spot, Paul reached down across the mare’s body and felt for the tiny hooves of the failing life within her. The hooves disappeared in his grip as he leaned down and again whispered to Granny. Mabel and Everett could see the horse’s muscles ripple along its ribs as another contraction washed over her. Paul tugged once at the hooves and nodded approvingly as the foal started to slide easily from the birth canal. Before the contraction was done, the foal was out and suspended from his strong yet gentle grasp. He laid the foal down gently and backed away as the mare swung her head around to it.
###

Half an hour later mother and newborn son stood, both on wobbly legs. Granny swung her head down and nuzzled the foal, removing much of the detritus of birth from his coat and sniffing at him. The foal was as white as snow. Only its hooves had any color, and they were as shiny and black as a new Ford. Paul smiled broadly then scrubbed his hands in the remaining water.
“Sorry for being so forward, ma’am. But people say I’ve got a way with animals, and she seemed to be in trouble.”

“No need for that, Paul…” Mabel said, still gaping back and forth between the foal and the giant in her barn. “But I’d say you just earned your lunch.” she added with a smile. “Come on, men. Let’s leave these two alone.”

“Ma’, who’s that?” Everett asked in a loud whisper as the odd trio walked back towards the house.

“That’s Paul, Everett. He’s a handyman that stopped by this morning. Just in time, too, it seems.” Mabel looked up at him. The morning sun rode just over his shoulder, casting his head in cameo and casting her fully in his shadow.

“You sure are big, mister…” Everett said from the safety of his mother’s skirt. “How’d you get to be so big?” he asked with childhood innocence.

“Everett Sinclair! Don’t you be rude!” his mother admonished him.

“Aw, ain’t no harm ma’am." Paul said. "See Everett, I got so big ‘cause I ate my momma’s cookin… every day and every bit of it! Vegetables, too. Then I did all my chores and got all that good air and sweat out of it. That’s how you get big an strong.”

“Really?” Everett said in awe.

“Why, sure! Just somethin ‘bout a mother’s cookin just seems to stick to your ribs.”

“Wow!” Everett exclaimed as they neared the house, then “Ma’? What’s for lunch?”

###

The 20 year old truck flew down the dirt road far faster than Mabel liked to see. By the way he drove and the way he skidded to a stop by the barn though, she knew her eldest son didn’t bring good news with him. The balloon payment was due on the ranch next month, and they had tried unsuccessfully to get an extension. If they couldn’t come up with it in a few weeks, they would lose the ranch.

Billy had been all of eighteen when his father died. Everett had wanted more than anything to enlist and exact vengeance for his father's death, but the army had refused him. The war had already taken Bill Sr. and Everett had only been in diapers then, and it bothered Billy to no end that he couldn't serve. All his friends went off to serve their country and fight the Nazis while he was left working the farm. Mabel knew Billy resented it, but she wouldn’t have had it any other way. They took her husband, but at least they left her sons. In deference to not going off to war, Mabel taught him all she knew about the ranch. With his father gone, Billy had taken over the reigns with a tight grip and was determined to make something of the ranch to prove he was just as valuable as his friends that had went off to fight the Japs and the Gerrys. They had had a few bad years recently, though, and the payment coming due seemed to grow larger each day.

William Sinclair Jr. took after his father in many ways. He had his father’s honey–colored hair and dark brown eyes, as well his cleft chin. He also shared his father’s temper, a fact that Mabel could've done without. The one thing he hadn’t inherited from his father was his size. Billy was closer to his mother’s modest 5’6”. Large in temper and small in stature, Billy had gained a reputation around town as a “one–punch drunk”. Most of the locals simply let him be, but that didn’t stop travelers from giving him a sound thrashing when he crossed the line after one too many at the town’s only tavern. Bill Jr. was becoming a bitter young man, and the only thing that grew was bitter old men, and only if they made it that far.

Mabel watched through the window as Billy got out of the old truck. The late morning sun had grown warm and the young man had rolled up his shirt sleeves and loosened his tie for the long, dusty ride in from town. Bill Sr. never gave the bank the satisfaction of putting on airs for them. They would accept him into their cozy offices in his over–alls and boots or they wouldn’t accept him at all. Bill Jr., though, tried hard as he could to broadcast the image of a gentleman rancher. But he was young, and though he could tell you the in’s and out’s of ranching he lacked the polish he so desperately craved. Mabel let him go, partly for the guilt he couldn’t go to war and partly because she didn’t want to crush his spirit. Sometimes the urge to correct what he did was overwhelming and she found herself going behind his back, altering decisions and agreements he made in the best interests of the ranch. They would sometimes go for weeks without talking over it.

Billy stumped up the walk and through the front door. Mabel stared at him for a moment and marveled at how old her son looked. Only 28, he looked 20 years older in the light of the sun–dappled kitchen. He sat down at the table and rubbed his temples as she put down a cup of coffee. “Didn’t go well?” Mabel asked without having to.

“Morganstern picked my plan apart like he was looking for a needle. Fat old bastard…”

“William Sinclair! You watch your mouth. There’s no call for talk like that in this house.”

“Can’t help what he is, ma. I got the deal in Spokane provided I could transport ‘em out there. Can’t do that without the bank financing the move.” he said dejectedly.

“Did he say why he wouldn’t?”

“He says he sees a drop in the cattle futures in the next two weeks. He says by the time we get ‘em out there they’ll drop fifteen cents on the hoof. Wouldn’t be able to pay the bank back on that note and on the mortgage, too. Says we’d be over-extended. What the hell does he know about ranchin, anyway?”

“He’s doing his job, Billy. We’ll just have to find some other way.” Mabel knew the bank was their last chance at the money to move better than 600 head all the way to Spokane. And as much as she hated to say it, she’d also heard from the other spreads around the county that prices were going to drop. They could have easily made enough to pay off the loan for transporting the cattle and make the mortgage payment at the current price. But the bank president was right. They would have to find another way to make the mortgage.

“There ain’t no other way, ma’. Not unless we sell off some of the spread. Hell, we wouldn’t have a buyer in time for that even.” Billy said and sipped his coffee. The sound of a saw in wood roused him up out of his seat. “Everett! If you’re playin’ with those tools again…” Billy called out. The bad news had made Mabel temporarily forget about their handyman.

“That’s not Everett. Just a man looking for some work.” Mabel told him.

“Aw, ma’! We can’t afford to pay a man! We been through this…”

“He works for food in his belly, William.”

“Oh! So he’s a bum, then? Well, I’ll take care of that!” he barked and went to the kitchen door. Mabel stopped him with a hand on his forearm.

“Now you listen to me, William Sinclair… never let it be said that a man willing to work for his supper was ever turned away from this house. That’s the way your grandfather and your father pulled this spread out after the Dust. He does good work. And if it weren’t for him, Granny would be dead right now.”

“She went?” Billy asked. “But that shouldn’t have…”

“I know, but she did. I could never have gotten her through it, but he did.”

“Well… still don’t make for much of a man, having to go around workin for food.”

“Oh, I think there’s plenty of man in him, probably two or three, truth be told.” Mabel smiled at her private joke.

“Well, I’m goin’ out there and make sure he knows who’s boss here.”

“Don’t let me stop you.” Mabel relented and took her hand away. “You just remember he ain’t done anything but good.”

Billy snorted, pushed through the screen door then stopped midway through. He found Paul on his knees at the foot of the stairs, readying a new board to replace one of the rotted treads. Even with Billy standing on the porch and Paul kneeling on the ground below it, the giant’s eyes were level to his own. “Morgnnin, msstr…” Paul said, his words garbled. What Billy had first thought were toothpicks he now realized were ten–penny nails stuck between his lips. The giant pulled the nails out of his mouth and spit off to the side. “Your pardon. Meant to say mornin, mister.” Paul’s smile beamed with teeth nearly as wide as a man’s finger, his eyes laughing along. Billy stood and stared at the man then stepped back slowly and calmly into the kitchen.

“What… the hell… is that… why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Mabel asked with an innocent air.

“That he was as big as a damn barn!” he hissed at her.

“Billy! Language!” she shot back. “And you didn’t ask.”

“The man’s a freak…”

“I’ll bet he’s a freak with good ears, though.” Mabel said quietly. Billy shot a look outside and saw Paul raise a fist into the air and bring it downward, out of his view. The floor under their feet trembled with the blow. The giant didn’t seem to notice Billy’s remark and kept about his work.

“Where’s Everett?” Billy asked with a quiver in his voice.

“He’s outside helping Paul.”

“Helping? You let Everett alone with that… that…”

“Big ears, too.” she reminded him gently. “He’s doing the work you don’t have time to do and Everett and I don’t have the size or know–how to do. He chopped up better than two cords of wood before he had a bite of breakfast, and he nearly finished in the time it took me to get a plate for him.”

Billy nodded once and went back outside. The giant wasn’t even using a hammer. Billy watched in awe as Paul jammed a nail into the board, sinking it nearly a quarter of the way in with only two fingers. The man made an impossibly large fist and let it fall on the nail, driving it through the board and the riser beneath in one, bare–handed strike and watched him repeat the process several times. Satisfied the tread wouldn’t budge, the giant wiped his hands on his shirt and stood up, dwarfing the young rancher. He extended his meaty hand and smiled down at Billy.
“Name’s Paul. You must be Mr. Sinclair. Your ma told me ‘bout you.” With nothing else to do about it, Billy extended his hand and waited for the crushing grip that would certainly come. But even though his own hand disappeared in the bigger man’s paw, it felt no different than any of a number of good, solid handshakes he’d performed over the years. “You got a beautiful spread here, Mr. Sinclair. Any man would be proud with a patch of heaven like this.”

“We’re proud of it.” Billy said with a forced bravado. Everett came around the side of the house with a few short boards in his arms. The boy hurried over as soon as he saw his brother and dropped the wood beside Paul.

“Billy! You should have seen it. Granny was in trouble! But then Mr. Oaks just talked to her and reached back there and there was the foal! You should have seen it!”

“Wasn’t nothin, Mr. Sinclair. Really. And it’s Paul. Not Mr. Oaks.”

“Paul, that’s just my brother Billy, not Mr. Sinclair.” Everett said dismissively.

“Now Everett, your ma told me that your brother’s the man of the house. That makes him Mr. Sinclair to the likes of those that work for him.” He glanced first at Everett then at Billy. “Or do you prefer William?”

“Mr. Sinclair’ll do for now.” Billy said, his chest a bit more puffed than it had been.

“As you will.” the big man said as he picked through the boards Everett had brought. Billy watched him work for a moment and couldn’t help but notice Everett’s rapt attention on the new hired man. He selected a board and put the handsaw to it. The tool passed clean through the board in two passes.

“I’ve never seen you ‘round here.” Billy said as Paul grabbed the next tread and pulled it free as if it were a toothpick. Billy paused as the giant gripped each of the old nails with the tips of his fingers and shoved them back out the board as straight as the day his father had hammered then in some 20 years ago. Paul eyed each nail to make sure they were straight then used them to install the new step. Billy had seen big men in his day, but never one so strong. But he couldn’t help respect the man. It wasn’t many hired men that would go so far as to reuse nails.

“Oh, I been here and there and a few places in–between.” Paul said offhandedly. He stepped back and checked his work with one eye closed and the other staring down across his thumb. “Yup. Straight as an arrow. Would you like to inspect the work, Mr. Sinclair?” Billy went down the steps slowly, bouncing his weight on each one. The only sound from the steps were from his footfalls. He went back up them in an unconscious desire to try and keep as eye to eye with Paul as he could.

“Fair bit of mending.” Billy commented.

“Got to see to that creakin barn door now. Unless you got somethin else you need for me to do, Mr. Sinclair?”

“Ah… no, no that’ll be fine.” Billy said as dismissively as he could. Paul nodded and gathered up the unused wood.

“Can I help, Paul?” Everett asked Paul.

“Ask your brother. If’n it’s alright by him, it’s alright by me.” Paul said with a smile. The gesture caught both Everett and Billy by surprise. Everett had never needed his brother’s permission for most anything before; he’d always asked his mother when needed. He paused a moment with the foreign concept then looked to his brother.

“Is it okay for me to help Paul, Billy?”

“Sure… sure, Everett.” Billy said. The boy’s face it up and he fell into step behind the giant as they headed for the barn. When they were out of sight, Billy kneeled down and inspected the stairs more closely. The nail heads had actually been sunk past the top of the board, like a screw that had been counter–sunk. He shook his head slowly in disbelief and went back inside.
###

Billy and his mother saw little of Everett and the big man for the rest of the day, at least officially. William made a point to check in on them from a distance. The only time he didn’t see them working was when they took a few minutes to watch Granny and the new foal out in the pasture. The foal seemed exceptionally healthy and strong, and mother and babe both seemed in excellent spirits. The foal was already running around the pasture at breakneck speed. Though he’d seen them before in other places, Billy had never seen a pure–white horse on their spread. They still used horses for the ranch work, and he’d make a fine addition. By the time his own horse, Surefoot, was ready for pasture the foal would be grown into an animal that any man would be proud to own.

Mabel had packed a basket and taken lunch out to the largest and smallest men on the spread. She’d found them in the horse pasture, mending a gate that they had been holding together with a few bits of twine. Luckily the horses were well-trained and never strayed too far when the wind or rain would open the gate. They’d fixed that though, and by the looks of it the gate was stronger than the day that Bill Sr.’s father had hung it. She’d fixed half a roast, biscuits and corn on the cob for the hungry pair and watched as they devoured everything but bones and basket. Everett had never liked corn much, but he made a point of devouring three ears himself. The wink she got from Paul when the boy reached for his third ear of corn told her all she need know about the giant’s character.

Later in the evening, Billy saddled Surefoot and guided Paul out to the old bunkhouse. It was a long row house that could easily sleep and house twelve men, built back in the days when the Sinclair ranch was a much larger and more prosperous affair. Billy tried to offer Paul a large draft horse they used to plow the family gardens, but he declined and kept up easily with Surefoot’s steady gait across the south range. By the time they returned to the house, Mabel had dinner on the table. Paul took his dinner on the porch as was his place as hired help, much to Mabel’s dismay. Billy had started to warm to the giant somewhat, but he insisted they keep things professional with the new hand. Paul didn’t seem to mind though and doubted they would have a piece of furniture appropriate for his stature for the dinner table.

“Ma’, can you pass the carrots?” Everett asked. She looked at him oddly then handed him the bowl.

“I didn’t think you liked carrots.” Billy commented around a mouthful of liver.

“It’s like Paul said… I ain’t never seen a rabbit wearin glasses.” The last he delivered in his best deep, manly tone in respectful aping of the big man. Mabel suppressed a laugh while the boy shoveled a spoonful of the orange bits onto his plate. “Hey, Billy! Did you see the pasture gate? We fixed it up real good!”

“Yeah, I saw it. It’ll do, I suppose.” Billy answered flatly as he wiped his mouth got up from the table. He snatched up his tobacco pouch from the top of the icebox and walked out onto the back porch without another word.

“Ma’? Why doesn’t Billy like Paul?”

“Oh, I think he likes him all right. He just takes a while to warm up to people is all.” his mother assured him, though she wasn’t so sure herself. Billy’s ego was a bit fragile right now, especially with his Spokane plans falling apart. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Billy found Paul sitting on a stool made from an old oak stump. They usually used it as a table, but it seemed the only seat the man could use and not look ridiculous or uncomfortable. Billy sat down a few feet away and rolled a cigarette in the dark. He sealed it and started to pat his pockets for a match when a sudden spark flashed in front of him. Paul held out the wooden match and waited patiently for the young man to light his cigarette before bringing it up to his pipe bowl. They sat in silence for a few minutes and smoked, each with their own thoughts.
“Paul? Why are you really here? There’s plenty of farms that would pay good money for a man like you.” Paul remained quiet for several moments, then pulled his pipe away from his mouth and examined the rim of the bowl with a critical eye.
“More to life than money, Mr. Sinclair.” They fell silent for awhile before Billy spoke again.
“Were you in the war?” he asked.

“Oh, I’ve fought a time or two, but I missed this last row. Don’t think they had uniforms my size.” Paul chuckled at his own joke, a deep, warm sound.

“Where’d you work last?”

“Great North. Did a bit of loggin’, some ranchin’.”

“And now you’re here? Seems a bit of a stretch. You know a trade?”

“Loggin’ and ranchin’. Ain’t that enough for a man to know?”

Billy knew it wasn’t enough. In his grandfather’s day, even in his father’s, that might have been enough. But the war seemed to change everything. A man’s word and handshake just weren’t enough anymore. The lawyers and the government had decided they needed more and more. It was so a man couldn’t even build a barn on his spread without a permit and new taxes. It was clear that Paul was from a bygone era. That or an impressive liar. Men of his size couldn’t live in anonymity, even if they wanted. Stories of the giant would have spread from the ranches or the forests he’d worked. He should be in a circus or Hollywood right now, not here, eating his mother’s cooking and mending gates.

“Don’t take it personal, Paul, but as your boss I need to ask ya’ how long you plan to stay on.”

“Oh, I don’t take nothin personal Mr. Sinclair. Truth to tell, I don’t rightly know yet.” He put the pipe back in his mouth and took a deep pull. The air around the porch took on the smell of deep woods after a rain, a cloying yet endearing scent as the tobacco smoldered.

“So you’re not lookin to settle in somewheres then?”

“I go where my path takes me.” Paul responded simply. “Same as we all do, I reckon.” He stood and stretched, his arms bent at the elbow to avoid hitting the porch ceiling. Billy winced as several bones and joints popped and creaked, sounding for all the world like fireworks. “If you got nothing else for me this evening, Mr. Sinclair, I’d like to make sure that mother and babe are doing okay and close up the stable for the night. I smell somethin on the wind… wolf, maybe. Might even bed down in the barn just in case. With your permission, of course.” he said deferentially.

“What makes you think there’s a wolf about?” Billy said, suddenly alarmed.

“Just the way the rabbits was acting on the south range this afternoon. They don’t usually move around in the mid–day sun without reason, and that reason is usually ‘cause somethin’s about that wants to have ‘em over for dinner if you catch my meanin.”

Billy nodded in the darkness and stared at the massive ranch hand. With only a few slivers of light from the windows facing the porch, he actually looked somehow bigger, if that were even possible. “I guess that’d be all right. If something does happen, there’s an old bell on a pole out there. Ring it and I’ll come runnin’ with the scattergun…”

“Oh, I don’t take to guns Mr. Sinclair. Never liked the feel of ‘em, or the smell. Just not… natural, if you take my meanin. If’n it’s an animal that troubles ya’, you just have ta’ think like one and you’ll keep ‘em away every time. You’ll thank your ma for me, won’t you? She’s one of the best cooks I’ve seen, and I’ve ate from the wagons a some of the best.”

“Yeah. Sure Paul.”

“Well then, g’night Mr. Sinclair.” Paul stepped off the porch and strode across the yard down to the barn. It was no secret to either his brother or his mother that Billy didn’t fully trust the man. And if Billy were any judge, Paul was probably even more keenly aware of Billy’s distrust than any of the rest. Something just didn’t seem right about him, the obvious not withstanding. He went inside, picked up a stack of plates his mother had just dried and put them in the cupboard above the sink.

“Paul’s staying in the barn. Seems to think there’s a wolf or something running around. Best to lock the doors tonight.”

“Billy Sinclair! We haven’t had need to lock a door on this ranch in the space of your life. No need to start now. Besides, if there is a wolf out there, Paul may need to come inside for his own sake. Now, are you worried about a wolf gettin in, or is it Paul you’re worried over?”

“Look! You don’t know the man from Adam and he’s sleepin not more than a few hundred feet from our front door. Times have changed, ma. We need to change with ‘em. I’m just lookin out for our best interests is all.” The sound of a truck coming down the drive outside pulled both their attentions to the front of the house. Billy went out to the front porch with his mother behind him. A new pick–up truck came to a gentle stop near the base of the front steps. “Must be Reynolds. Heard he got a new truck. Must be comin’ by to show it off.”

“I’ve already got coffee on. Have him come on into the kitchen.” Mabel said as she went back inside. Reynolds was an older man and had grown up with Billy’s father. Their ranches had never been direct competitors, something Billy always assumed could only be a byproduct of the two men’s upbringing. He could still remember Reynolds and his father sitting up till late at night, right on that very porch, talking about their spreads and the government. Reynolds had been 4F on account of his feet and hadn’t gone off to war, something that had been of obvious benefit to his spread. But he’d certainly helped the effort by keeping the wives of his hands that went off on a stipend and donating cattle to the war effort.

“Evening, Mr. Reynolds.”

“Evening, Billy.” he returned as he climbed the steps and shook the younger man’s hand. “Beautiful night, ain’t it? Moon’ll be full tomorrow night, first pretty moon we’ll have of the season.”

“Seems likely.” Billy returned. “Ma’s got some coffee on.” He opened the screen door for the rancher and followed him through the house to the kitchen. The men sat down as Mabel poured coffee for the three of them and sat down herself.

“I know I’m a day early, Mabel, but I got business in Billings tomorrow mornin, and tomorrow bein Friday and all I figured you’d want to take care of this so’s you could get it to Morganstern on tomorrow’s business.” Reynolds said as he sipped on his coffee. “Always did make the best coffee, even better than my Jeanie’s. You just don’t be tellin her I said that, though.” He chuckled and pulled a long envelope out of his coat pocket.

“What’re you talking about, Mr. Reynolds?” Billy shot dark looks at both the old rancher and his mother. “What’s he talkin about, ma?”

“I set up a deal with Mr. Reynolds, Billy. He’s buyin’ out 300 head.” Mabel said simply as she took the envelope and pulled out the contract within.

“Ya can’t do that, ma! That’ll take us down too low! I can’t do nothin with that in Spokane!” Billy nearly yelled as he pounded the table.

“Now, Billy…” Reynolds soothed. “Don’t you think that they offered the Spokane deal to me, too? The futures just ain’t there, and anybody that takes that deal now is gonna lose big. Why do you think they’re offerin in the first place? They know most ranches ain’t gonna bite on the deal, so the futures price won’t go up in anticipation of it. But the few that do’ll make them a tidy profit. Man’d have to be desperate to move that many head then. Best to move ‘em now when you can get a better price.”

“But that’s gonna leave us nothin!” Billy argued as he snatched the contract away from his mother. He scanned it quickly and threw it down on the table. “That price ain’t much better than what the futures are sayin! You trying to rob us, Reynolds?”

“Now slow down, son. Times ain’t the greatest right now. Your ma said you needed to make a quick and fair sale to help out with the bank, and I’m bein more than fair.”

Billy seethed as the mood in the room darkened to match the storm behind his eyes. “Ma! You’re makin me look the fool! No! We ain’t doin this!” he shouted as he pushed away from the table and stood quickly. “No way in hell you’re doin this!”

“You watch your mouth William.” Mabel said, her words as rich in quiet dignity as his were in passion. “And I’m still responsible for this ranch. I still say what happens and what doesn’t. The day I die is the day your say is all that’s needed, not before. We can make the mortgage and have enough to tend the rest through the summer. It’ll take a year or two, but we still have breedin stock, and the markets won’t stay down forever. If we time it right, we’ll be back on top in a few years. We’ll be out from under the mortgage then and running in the black…”

“I can’t believe you’d do this behind my back, Ma’! Fine! Sell our lives away! Paul was right… there is a wolf around. But he drives a new truck, and the rabbits ain’t got nothin to worry about unless they have a few pennies!” Billy stormed from the kitchen and out the door. Moments later their old truck and was tearing down the drive.

“I’m sure sorry about this, Mabel.” Reynolds said into the silence. “I didn’t know the boy didn’t know about the deal.”

“He ain’t a boy anymore, Harry. Just wish he’d realize that. It’s just been hard on him is all. He’ll calm down in a day or two. Got the makings of a good man, if he’d just let it happen.” Mabel said.

“I sure hope so, Mabel.” Reynolds said.
###
Look for Rural Legend, Part II, on Monday, 11/15/10. Or, better yet, subscribe to this blog so you don't miss an installment. Your computer still has a better memory than you do. So, until next time,
Just write, damn it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Most Magical Place on Earth - Fiction

If you love all things Disney and have no sense of humor, stop here and now. This tale is loosely based on real events from many years ago. For those still reading, I hope you enjoy. - Author



It all started innocently enough. Dearest wanted to plan a vacation to Disney World and was wise enough to broach the subject as I was on my first cup of coffee for the day, the time where I hear only every third word said. Instead of stopping the insanity there and then, I grunted and nodded. Several thousand dollars later, I found myself in a van with my loving family bound for sunny central Florida.

The trip to the Sunshine State was long but uneventful. We first went to St. Augustine since Dearest had heard there was a store where we could purchase something called “Pal Mickey” for a discount price. For the uninitiated, this is a Mickey Mouse with a microchip shoved into its nether regions that receives signals from transponders around the parks, providing helpful hints and trivia. A six-foot-tall Donald Duck greeted us at the door, and I went to purchase Pal Mickey while my family waited in the first of many lines for his picture. By the time I had fought through the throngs and made my way to the register, my precious four year old had got up to the duck. He held onto her shoulders while the first of many over–priced photographers snapped her picture. However, the duck kept his hold on my little princess. Warily, I watched the foul fowl with one eye while I made sure the non–English speaking cashier didn’t short–change me with the other. As I started to move away from the counter, the duck subtly pulled my daughter closer to him and turned his big yellow bill towards me. I took another step away from the counter and I swear it hissed at me. I stepped back to the counter and picked up several souvenir pens and another autograph book. He loosened his hold a little but kept her with him. He released her only after I'd spent another $50.00.

I tried to relay my concerns as we got back on the road, but of course Dearest wouldn’t hear of such a thing. Disney was about magic and children and wholesome family fun. They would never let something like money interrupt their mission to provide joy. She chalked it up to my imagination or my aversion to spending money. Eventually, I dismissed the whole scenario. Perhaps she was right. With a new determination to enjoy the vacation for my children’s sake, we completed our journey to the Magic Kingdom.

Upon arriving at our resort, we discovered that Disney was hosting one of its large conventions. This one happened to involve several thousand pre–teen cheerleaders and pee–wee football players. And of course, many had found lodgings in our resort. Further checking revealed they would be staying the same length of time as we. This added a bit of tarnish to my normally pleasant, agreeable nature. After 30 minutes of trying to navigate the resort’s food court, we decided to travel to another resort for the customary vacation buffet. Thankfully, the food was excellent, since we all worked up quite an appetite waiting in line more than ninety minutes before we secured a table.

Our first morning in the Happiest Place on Earth found us at the gates of the Magic Kingdom. I passed the hour–long wait (since we simply had to be the first in line) by laughing at the security officers that strolled just on the other side of the turnstiles. For some reason, I find it very difficult to take someone seriously when they have Mickey’s smiling face emblazoned on their shoulder. The day went along well, with the typical Florida sun and a slight breeze making the weather tolerable. I took cigarette breaks when Dearest decided to peruse the plentiful gift shops. I avoided this practice at all costs, even when most every single ride made its egress into its very own. I’m not a communist, far from it. However, I do have certain moral and ethical issues paying 300% mark–ups on pieces of plastic.

As we went from line to line…er…ride to ride, I began to notice that many of the loveable costumed characters seemed to be paying more and more attention to me. They would stand and stare at me for minutes at a stretch while they were supposed to be paying attention to the clamoring hordes of children vying for their autographs. Creepy. I chalked this feeling up to over–eating at the $30 a person lunch buffet and tried to ignore the plastic eyes of the six-foot woodland creatures. After a day of $5 bottles of Coke, $8 cups of coffee and standing in lines of squealing pre–adolescent cheerleaders we returned to our resort on dangerously over–crowded busses, where I watched grown men stay in their seats while women and children stood holding onto overhead bars for dear life as the trams careened this way and that through the resort areas.

The second day dawned. Dawned is actually an overstatement, since every day at Disney always starts at 5 a.m. We repeated our transportation ordeal and arrived at the Animal Kingdom, a euphemism for expensive fucking zoo. Dearest had already made plans to make a serious dent in the shops so I had outfitted myself with the stylish backpack that tells all other men "please God, shoot me". With the video camera, digital camera, 35 mm camera and the usual accessories, Japanese tourists were actually taking pictures of me. But I digress.
After a few attractions, most of which involved accidentally hitting scores of cheerleaders with my over–laden backpack, the rest of my family made off for the shops. I decided to go for a cigarette while they did this, taking my wallet with me (this wasn’t my first rodeo, people). It’s not my fault that Disney’s draconian regulations restrict smoking to exactly 3 square feet of a 2,000 acre park, far from any shopping areas.

My teenage stepdaughter had clipped Pal Mickey to my backpack before we had separated. As I sat amoking with the other cast–offs, Pal Mickey came alive and told a series of very old jokes. After the jokes, I had the sudden urge for shopping. Just as I stubbed my butt a hand grabbed my arm. I turned to find a very haggard man. His hair was wild and his beard nearly touched the ground. He waved his other hand in front of my face to display his fat wallet. “Don’t go…” the old man hissed at me. “It’s a trick! The blasted Pal Mickey! He uses subliminal messages to make you buy things… useless things… over-priced things!”

I dismissed him as an over-zealous employee (many pardons, but I absolutely refuse to call them “cast members”. They perform a service for their employer and are compensated for their time. This makes them “employees”, not members of a summer stock company.). Then he snatched the adorable Mickey from my pack and unzipped its back. Intrigued, I allowed him his dementia while he fiddled at the back with a tiny screw driver. Moments later, he squeezed Mickey’s stomach. What came up sounded like a record (that’s a disc, made of vinyl… just in case the reader may have no frame of reference) being turned backwards. But instead of the satanic messages I expected to hear, I heard the distinct chant of “buy…buy…buy…” I was shocked to say the least. Unfortunately, before I could get more from him the Mouse Police showed up. The old man threw the Mickey at me and ran off screaming into the Tree of Life, the blue–shirted security officers hot on his tail. I watched for a moment and worried for him, figuring they would catch him easily at the long line. But the old man had apparently been residing in the park long enough to learn a few tricks. While the guards hit the throngs of cheerleaders, the old man whipped out a Fast Pass and was ushered along the handicapped lane. I knew my family would never believe my story and that I would have to play it cool for the next few days before we could make our escape. After I met up with my family (Dearest of course had money for her shopping that she had been squirreling away for months), I realized that I was being followed. They tried to be sly of course, but a seven-foot-tall Tigger hiding behind a 3 foot tall rack of trading pins is difficult to miss. At dinner, Woody from Toy Story sat at a table across from us, and this time his holster wasn’t empty. He sat and thumbed the hammer of his silvered Colt Peacemaker while I finished my coffee and didn’t leave until I left a 30% tip for a serve–yourself buffet.

After dinner my family wanted to hop over to the Magic Kingdom for some special Christmas festivities and I elected to return to the resort alone. It was well that I did. When I returned, I found the door open. I entered cautiously and found Hercules, Buzz Lightyear and Woody, this time armed with a Winchester, waiting for me. Buzz and Hercules grabbed me and slammed me down in a chair while Woody covered me with the lever-action. The TV came on and showed a dark silhouette seated behind a massive desk. An incredibly high–pitched voice chuckled at me through the speaker as a bulbous pair of yellow boots slung up onto the desk in the swath of light from the bankers’ lamp on the desk.

“My associates tell me that you haven’t spent the customary 40% of your yearly earnings at the souvenir shops…” the voice whined. “That’s not being a very good Mouseketeer.”

The other characters laughed until the voice cleared its throat, a sound very akin to a giggle. But the Disney heroes fell instantly silent from it. I made to speak, but Buzz hit me smartly on the top of the head with his heavy - gloved fist. “The Big Cheese didn’t say you could talk yet…” he growled. Woody worked the rifle’s lever, the unmistakable sound quieting me.

“And bad Mouseketeers have a habit of meeting… unfortunate ends. Now, you don’t want to be a bad Mouseketeer, do you?” the Big Cheese said. I shot a quick look at the plastic cowboy and found the rifle leveled at my chest. I bit back the various epitaphs raging on the tip of my tongue and shook my head “no”. The voice chuckled as the silhouette shifted in its seat enough to reveal the black edge of a large, round ear into the light. “Of course you don’t. There’s a good boy. Now, you’ll be at MGM tomorrow. You be sure to buy some nice things to take home. We wouldn’t want anything… bad… to happen to a good Mouseketeer like you, would we?”

Woody kept me covered while the pair released me with Herc’ taking a swipe at my jaw in his passing and the TV went dark as the three goons left the room. I got up and checked my reflection in the mirror to find a classic Mickey shape in the form of a swelling bruise where the demi-god had rabbit-punched me. I had to do something. But what could I do that wouldn’t endanger my family? They were completely oblivious to the dark underbelly of this place. After my family returned, I explained the bruise away by saying the bus ride had been rough and I had fallen against a decorative Mickey. The laughter at my expense was better than trying to explain to my family that their version of Eden was actually a front for an insidious, globe–spanning crime syndicate.

I slept uneasily and woke before the rest. I made my way to the resort food court, hoping to fill my coffee before the thousands of squalling cheerleaders descended. It was thankfully deserted when I poured my mug and went out onto the simulated docks to have my morning cigarette. The sun hadn’t risen yet as I leaned on the rail overlooking the deserted paddle boat fleet, enjoying the quiet before yet another busy, even dangerous, day at the Happiest Place on Earth. As I smoked, a small yellow bird landed on the railing a few feet away. It regarded me with impossibly huge eyes and shuffled its big orange feet, revealing a small bit of folded paper. It cast a glance over its wing and flew off just as a pair of Siamese cats came out of the shadows towards us. The cats stopped and glared at me for several moments, then slinked back into the darkness. I waited a few minutes then casually plucked the piece of paper from the railing. Back inside the room, I unfolded the paper.


Need help? Send a postcard to

BB c/o WB
Albuquerque

I quickly shoved the paper into my pocket as I heard my four year old start to wake the rest of the family for this day’s descent into hell. If she ever learned what a horrible place this really was, it would shatter her tiny world. Not wanting to quash her dreams (nor pay for the exhaustive therapy such a thing would surely require), I had to find a way to both resist these loveable thugs yet still maintain the illusion for her sake. It is simply not in my nature to succumb to such pressure to the point of my own personal safety.

We spent our third day at MGM. I made a point to separate from my family as much as possible. If something were to happen, I didn’t want them caught in the crossfire. Throughout the day, every security guard and costumed character I passed paid more than cursory notice to me. I made a show of stopping at various shops and kiosks, feigning interest in their incredibly over–priced and self–aggrandizing wares though buying nothing. Each time I came away from these places empty-handed the cashiers would make little marks on clipboards or talk into their sleeves or watches. I had to hand it to Disney. As corrupt and devious as they may be, they certainly had their act together when it came to market research and pressure sales techniques.
After ducking several street vendors and more than a few stare–downs with Sorcerer Mickey and Donald Duck (not to mention a near–incident after Jiminy Cricket tried to trip me with his damn umbrella), it was late afternoon. Disney wasn’t succeeding in draining me through its shops, but it was doing a fine job with cold drinks and meals. Apparently though, the Big Cheese didn’t count that small fortune towards my forced tithe.

After a very good and extremely over–priced meal, we found ourselves standing in line at the Star Wars–themed thrill ride. Several characters were out to entertain the masses waiting like slaughterhouse cattle in the long lines. I have been a life–long Star Wars fan, and even I was happy to see a very authentic Darth Vader stride from the depths of the attached gift shop to stroll among the crowd. Now it‘s true that Disney expects their employees to stay in character, and I expected the Lord of the Sith to act aloof and imperious. I didn’t expect him to suddenly draw saber and come at me, the unmistakable hum of the fantasy blade slicing the air just above my head as I ducked (I guess when you have the kind of money Disney has for R&D, a working light saber is not necessarily out of the question). I shot a quick glance at Dearest and she returned with a warning look to play along with this “crowd show”. Obviously oblivious to the entirely real threat to my life and with my little one looking on, I had no choice but to play their game. After several passes of the blade I realized that Darth was pulling his attacks. Disney would never allow me to be hurt with witnesses around. But I got their message loud and clear. The crowd applauded his attempts to separate my head from my neck as he stopped and made a sweeping bow.

I feigned a headache and left my family so that I could rest then hopped one of the death busses and made my way to the resort. Stopping in the gift shop, I actually made a purchase, a $6.00 postcard with a big picture of the Big Cheese on the front. I scribbled the address the little birdy had left me and dropped it into the US Mail outside the resort. I felt foolish, but I had to do something. It was one thing to use cute forest creatures and little girls’ fantasies to build a financial empire, but it was another to corrupt the image of Darth Vader. That sort of thing had to be avenged. I returned to a thankfully empty room and slept warily throughout the rest of the night. We would be in Epcot the next day, and something told me that I would need every bit of rest I could get.

We started the day in Norway at one of Disney’s character breakfasts, this time with the famed Disney Princesses. I won’t even go into the rationale behind how the diverse princesses all know each other, or exactly what kingdoms they represent. Regardless, my two daughters thoroughly enjoyed the event. Just after the waitress raped my wallet I excused myself to have a smoke outside. It was still early in the parks and the rest of the nations hadn’t opened yet, so the alley beside the restaurant was deserted. As I leaned against the building, a small service door opened beside me. Princess Jasmine poked out her head like a scared rabbit, shoved a receipt in my hand then ducked back inside. I likewise scanned the alley then peeked at the back of the receipt. Scrawled there were two simple words; “Help us”.

What could I possibly do to help anyone? Unarmed and faced with armed cowboys and saber–wielding Jedis, there was little I could do. As I stood there, I saw another door open farther down the mock alleyway. Out of instinct I slipped into the doorway where Jasmine had been and peered around the jamb. The Princesses came out the further door, ringed by the Seven Dwarves. The Dwarves looked around warily and constantly spoke into their wrists (except Dopey. He had the sub–machine gun) as they ushered the young ladies into one of the numerous “Cast Member Only” doors placed throughout the park.

I waited until the barn–style doors closed before I crept down the alley. I gently pushed on the door and found it unlocked (perhaps it had been a bad idea to have Dopey bring up the rear after all). Despite my better judgment, I slipped through the door to find a small path that twisted away and disappeared around a bend. I looked up just as a security camera started to swing my way and I dove behind a bush. If they knew I was here, away from witnesses, I had a feeling I would no longer be considered a “good” Mouseketeer. I waited for the camera to swing away from me before breaking from the bushes and moving around the bend. Staying to the sides of the path, I used the foliage as concealment at each passing of the security cameras. After a few hundred yards I finally came upon a squat, windowless cinderblock building with only one door. I approached cautiously and tried the knob. It turned easily and opened into a small room with a large cylinder in the middle of it. I had gone too far to turn back now, so I slipped in and approached the center. Upon closer examination I found it was actually an elevator. I pressed a button and the door slid open to reveal the car. There were only 2 buttons on the control panel; an up and down arrow. I pushed the down arrow and waited as the door closed and the car slid into the depths of Epcot.

I exited the elevator into a long hallway dimly lit by naked, hanging bulbs. If there were any cameras here, they would be sure to see me. With nothing to be helped, I cautiously made my way down the corridor. A door appeared up ahead, the soft sounds of a woman weeping coming through its barred window. I crept up to the door and peeked past the bars. I had found where they kept the Princesses between appearances, it seemed. The room had several hard cots bolted prison–style to the walls with dark forms lumped onto them. Faded pictures of various Princes’ and castles were scattered along the walls and their formal gowns were neatly hung on a rack to the side of the room. The rest was lost to shadow. Suddenly, a multitude of bright lights came up. I ducked and blinked away the stabbing light then peeked again. Several well–lit vanities came to life along the far wall. The Princesses had scrambled from their bunks and were crowding around the vanities, hurriedly applying their make–up and fixing their hair. As I watched, Jasmine suddenly caught my reflection in her dressing mirror. She bolted away from the vanity to the door, her face pushed up against the bars.

She begged me to release them, help them escape. With no plans, weapons or even the slightest idea of where I was, releasing them now would only mean capture for us all. I promised her that I would call the authorities, but she stopped me. Disney owned the law enforcement community from Miami to St. Augustine. Any report to them would be neatly discarded. She continued to beg and plead, quieting only when I told her that her noise would surely bring their handlers. She begged me to release them before Saturday, otherwise known as “Harem Night”, the night where the Big Cheese and several of his cronies would… well... I would not offend the reader’s delicate sensibilities by relating her exact words, but let's just say there are reasons why Goofy and the Big Cheese wear pants (and conversely, why Donald does not). Jasmine told me a few directions to use the tunnels to get back to the surface without being discovered, and it was with heavy heart that I left them there while the shuffling of 14 dwarf feet sounded from down the corridor. I emerged from the tunnels just outside Spaceship Earth. Using the two–way radios we had packed, I located my family and told them that I had gone off sight–seeing. We had only one day left in this commercial hell, and I still didn’t want to destroy their image of the place. Besides, with all the money I spent on this trip, somebody should get some enjoyment out of it. I decided that I would wait till we left the park and going north before I would contact the authorities about the goings–on here.

The day passed with the accustomed ugly stares and not a few concealed, obscene gestures from the loveable characters. Every time we saw the princesses though, I received more than a few pleading looks. Snow White even kissed my daughter on the cheek, leaving a thick lipstick stain. My only pleasure that day was covertly looking at Donald and holding up my thumb and index finger in the universal accusatory sign for a lack of manhood. He responded to this with his customary rampage of indecipherable words and assaulted my daughter’s Pal Mickey. The crowd thought it was good fun, but the duck and I knew better. My refusal to succumb to their merchandise had apparently become known park–wide. Lines that I stood in always seemed to take longer, and any food that I ordered was always wrong or burnt. Waitresses in restaurants would pass by my empty coffee cup numerous times and the Mouse Police were everywhere. Still worried for my family, I made sure to keep us in well–populated areas and away from any dark corners. Aside from the obvious snubs, little else marred the day and we returned to the resort tired and foot–sore. The “Mousekeeping” staff had set up a cute diorama with my daughters’ various stuffed animals they had brought. Maleficent, one of the evil queens that populate the Princess stories, sat alone on my pillow in her full dragon form, giving me unease as to what I may face on our last day.

We awoke early and made for the Magic Kingdom. After the obligatory expensive character breakfast in Cinderella’s castle (and I won’t even tell you what obscenities the Fairy Godmother made to me) we headed out into the park. We revisited several of the family’s favorite rides and of course all the shops for our last day’s purchases. I performed my usual ducking and purchased a cup of coffee from one of the street vendors, then went for a cigarette. An employee came up to empty the ashtray and dropped yet another note at my feet. I checked the note and read it several times, not believing what was wrote. My morning coffee had been spiked with a slow–acting poison. If I didn’t bring receipts to show that I had bought my share of Disney merchandise to the resort bar by ten o’clock, the poison would kill me shortly afterwards. If I followed their demands, they would give me the antidote. The bastards! First they had defiled Darth Vader, and now, coffee! I went back to the kiosk, but there was a different employee there. Of course, it could all be a ruse. But with everything else I didn’t think it would be. I couldn’t leave to seek treatment at any hospitals and leave my family to their tender mercies and the medical facilities on site would surely be in on the plan. Now a matter of life and death, I knew what I had to do.

I found the rest of my family in the Pirate’s gift shop and went about the aisles looking desperately at the merchandise. I picked up several items and made it as far as the line at the counter before I came to my senses. I would not let them manipulate me this way. There had to be a way to fight back. I put the items down and stumbled out of the shop as a wave of cold sweat washed down my back. This was no ruse. The poison had already started to take effect. But still, I thought of others that would be counting on me. The Princesses, surely, but what about all of the other men that came to this place? They would be financially devastated just as they were trying to do to me. How many millions had they made off us through guilt or assault over the years? I had to strike a blow. The question remained; how?

I checked the time constantly throughout the day and could feel the poison as it worked its own brand of Disney magic deep in my gut. Many of the employees and characters I came across during the day simply smiled and waved. I let them think that they had bested me (and they just may have) and kept my head held high. The rest of the day passed in a blur until the early evening when even Dearest noticed the sweat that ran down my face. I begged off illness and returned to the resort alone once again and fell into a sickly sleep. By the time my family returned and woke me, it was half past nine. I hurriedly left the room, telling them that I needed a cup of coffee.

I made my way to the hotel bar. The place was nearly deserted except for a dark table towards the back. Buzz and Woody were there, flanking the darkened table. Woody had his Winchester and Buzz was armed with some sort of futuristic rifle that I could only assume was lethal. Wafts of pungent cigar smoke drifted out of the darkness, formed into odd–shaped rings reminiscent of the classic mouse silhouette. I stumbled towards the table and stopped as the pair leveled their weapons at me.

“I hear you haven’t been a good Mouseketeer.” the Big Cheese said in his happy, high–pitched voice. If it wasn’t for the poison’s debilitating effects on me, I would've went over the table at him, guards or no. I told him that I despised him and all he stood for, for taking something magical from children and perverting it into something dark and evil. “You sound like that goody–goody Walt… right before I had Goofy whack him. Oh, we could've went on like he wanted, but he refused to see the potential in what we'd spawned. When I brought him the idea for the steamboat character, he took it and ran with it as his own and made me a silent partner. I would've drawn it myself, you see, but having only four fingers is somewhat prohibitive to the arts.”

I could feel tight cramps as they rolled through my gut. So this is how it would end? I had long thought my end would come in a bar, but never one that ran you eight bucks for domestic. The Big Cheese and his cohorts must have noticed my discomfort and laughed. “Still won’t buy anything, huh? You know, the resort gift shop is open till eleven...” An oversized white glove came out of the darkness and set a vial of amber liquid on the edge of the table. “Just buy something and your problem will be taken care of.” I thought about his offer. But try as I might, I still couldn’t make myself go to the gift shop. I stumbled and had to grab the edge of a table to keep myself standing.

“You know…” the mouse said, “I could use someone like you. Donald has been skimming the till, but I didn’t want to delete him without a ready replacement. The children so love that maladjusted duck. I think with some alterations you’d be perfect for the part.” The Big Cheese’s offer sickened me even more. Besides, I would need pants. I shook my head as cold sweat rolled down my face. I knew I didn’t have much time left. My vision swam. I looked over my shoulder at the bartender, but he had been replaced with Goofy, dressed in garb typical of the old–west saloon keep. He downed a shot of bourbon and guffawed at me. The place was so empty you could hear Tinkerbelle fart. But over the pounding of my blood in my ears, I heard heavy footsteps coming into the bar. All eyes turned towards the door. Silhouetted in the light from the arcade next door were two dark figures. Neither was tall, but one of them was particularly low to the ground. I knew without looking that both of the guards’ weapons had moved to the newcomers.

The new arrivals didn’t seem to care as they walked in tandem across the bar and into the light from the lamps over the pool table. I peered at them through pain–squinted eyes and tried to place them. They both wore black suits with white shirts and thin ties under long, black trench coats. The taller of the two sported a rumpled orange cap which stood out against the smartly–tailored suit and he was completely clean shaven and pale. The smaller wore a battered and impossibly large Stetson that sat over a pair of bushy red eyebrows and moustaches that practically touched the floor.

“And just what the hell do you two think you’re doing here?” the Big Cheese asked from the darkness, though now his voice carried an edge of unmistakable fear.

“Garsh, Boss…” Goofy said, his voice shaking, “You didn’t say nothin’ about these guys showin’ up…” he guffawed nervously and tossed down another bourbon.

“Woody…Buzz…show these Warner Brothers clowns what happens when you interrupt the Big Cheese…”

Faster than I had ever seen anyone move, the newcomers threw back their coats. The taller one brought a huge shotgun out from the folds as the smaller slapped leather on a massive pair of .454 Cassul revolvers. One blast from the shotgun utterly destroyed the spaceman’s weapon. A bright flash of blue energy accompanied his howling as whatever powered it blew up in his face. One blast from each of the smaller’s revolvers punched a ragged and bloody hole in each of the cowboy’s hands. They both spun on Goofy just as he was reaching below the bar. The sawed–off shotgun never cleared the edge as lead tore through the gangly dog (at least, I think Goofy is a dog), plastering him against what remained of the mirror behind. Blood and gore spattered against the shards of glass as the punished body slid to the floor in a trail of viscera.

“Anymow of yow boys need a wesson in good mannas?” the taller asked, his speech impediment taking me back to my childhood.

“Well, if’n I sees any more a’ them no good, horse–thievin’ cattle–rustlin’ no goods, why I’ll…”

“Now Sam… you need to be mowe dewicate… we’e not savages, you know?”

“Awright, Elmer… but if’n just one more a’ them greasy little…”

I heard shuffling sounds from the darkness. I was even too weak to dive to the floor for fear that I wouldn’t be able to get back up. Woody and Buzz stood to either side of the Big Cheese’s table with mixed looks of fear and hatred in their eyes. “You’re violating the treaty by coming here.” The Big Cheese said smoothly, all trace of fear gone from his voice.

“You viowated it fiwst, Mickey. You and Bugsy agweed we wouldn’t fweece the pubwic too hard all at once. Enough for evewybody, wemember?”

“I say we just do the miserable varmint right here…” Sam shouted. He dropped the barrels to the floor and fired off an impossible number of rounds from each, propelling him into the air a few feet. Just as the little man landed, a harsh scraping sound made the floorboards to my left thrum. The wood shattered and a pair of white and grey paws came through. A tall rabbit popped out of the hole and dusted off his impeccable pin–striped suit.

“Eh… sorry I’m late, boys… I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque…” Elmer walked over to the rabbit and pulled out a leather cigar case. The rabbit never took his eyes off the dark table and pulled a long, fat carrot from the case. He held it out as the little Texan bit off the green tip violently. The rabbit put the untouched end in his mouth and chewed on it thoughtfully. “Eh…what’s up, Doc’?” he said towards the table. “Why you tryin’ ta’ muscle our agreement?”

“Heh heh…you’re a bit out of place to be threatening me, rabbit.” the Big Cheese said. “The rest of the boys are already on their way. You’ll be fricasseed shortly.”

“Nahhhh… I don’t think so, Doc’. See, neither one of us can afford a war. You’re over extended. Maybe Euro–Disney wasn’t such a good idear, huh? But you still need to be taught a lesson in what happens when you break a contract with Bugsy. Boys, get the rube outta’ here.” I knew that Bugs was talking about me, and I really didn’t mind being called anything at this point. Unable to speak, I pointed weakly to the vial on the table. “Ahh! The ole’ poison in the coffee trick. Elmer?”

The hunter went behind the bar, kicking Goofy’s corpse for good measure, and threw a bottle of Jack Daniels to his cohort. Sam deftly spun the top off the bottle with a practiced thumb and downed the neck of it before handing it to me. “It ain’t nothin’ that a little drink won’t cure.” Bugs said to me. “Now get outta’ here… no sense bein’ a witness to this, now is there?” I nodded weakly, grabbed the bottle tightly and stumbled for the door. I stopped near Elmer and motioned him over. I whispered that when they were done here, there were several young ladies in the caverns behind Norway that would be most appreciative if they were rescued. Sam smiled with tobacco–stained teeth and gave me a hearty “much obliged”.

I went back out onto the fake docks and slumped into a deck chair. I nursed the bottle and lit a cigarette as I heard several shots and screams come from inside the place. The Mouse Police would be here soon, but I doubted that would matter much. Bugs and the rest always seemed to pull through just fine from one cartoon to the next.

The next morning all I had to deal with was an intense hangover and packing for the ride home. As we climbed into the van in the early morning hours for the ordeal of the return home, Dearest asked me how I enjoyed the trip. I told her that it was all right, but next time we would go to Busch Gardens. After all, I had always preferred Warner Brothers.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

There Ought to be a Law - Rant

Warning...

This isn't fiction, or an article, or even a recipe for red velvet cake. This is a rant about some random things that just piss me the hell off. Why, you ask? Just fucking because, that's why. So, if you are easily offended...well, if you're easily offended why the fuck are you here anyway? - Author

There Ought to Be a Law…

□ Smoking Bans

In this lovely state of Ohio it a crime to light up pretty much anywhere outside your house. Even then, I think you’re limited to the hours of 10 p.m.–2 a.m., and then only on the third Saturday of the month. They say it’s for the protection of the non–smoking public and for the protection of workers that are employed in restaurants, bars etc.

News Flash
If you work there, you knew the risks when you took the job and nobody’s holding a gun to your head to pull that tap or serve that smoky table. And ask any waitress that wants the graveyard shift on the weekends; drunk smokers are often the best tippers. Smokers may go out to the bar and chatter their teeth or sweat to death outside to have a smoke, but I’ll bet you they don’t go hang out very long at Denny’s or Eat ‘n Park to put some food on top of the booze before going home. Take–out business goes up, tips go down. Besides, whatever happened to letting the marketplace dictate conditions? If I own a business and I have a sizeable customer base that tells me through word or going somewhere else with their money that they want a smoke–free environment, if I want their business then I’ll do something about it. Lots of places did it before the bans, and it seemed to work just fine for them. I know it’s bad for me. I know it may eventually kill me. So will booze and broads. Nobody’s outlawing them, now are they? Noooo. Can’t do that. I bet booze and broads kill far more than cigarettes do. There ought to be a law…

□ Turnpikes

If I have to pay to use the road, why the hell is there a speed limit? And for that matter, they’re always under construction; lanes closed, speeds reduced… shouldn’t they discount the tolls when they’re limiting your use of the road you’re paying good money to travel? There ought to be a law…

□ Packing Cigarettes

Okay all you Gen X, Y and whatever the hell letter they’re on now. Take a little advice from a career smoker; STOP BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR CIGARETTE PACKS. A few good taps against the heel of your hand is all that’s required to pack the tobacco inside those little coffin nails. When I hear you two tables away, beating the hell out of your fresh pack of cloves or Newports or what have you for the better part of five minutes, I and every other guy out there with half a lung want to walk over and punch you in the throat. It’s really annoying, and it’s unnecessary. Oh, and by the by, when you tap the top of the pack, then flop it over and tap the bottom of the pack, then repeat for 10 minutes, you’re defeating your purpose. Tapping the top of the pack forces the tobacco to pack down at the filter. What do you geniuses think happens when you tap the other end in the same fashion? And don’t give me that “it crimps the paper so tobacco won’t fall out” bullshit. You’re not hitting hard enough to do that to any benefit. Just stop it. Please. There ought to be a law…oh, wait, in Ohio there is…

□ Those of you with monster SUV's and pickup trucks that work in offices

You have a vehicle that’s supposedly designed for off–road use and you come to an almost dead-stop on those little ¼ inch rises going into parking lots and on speed bumps. And don’t tell me you bought that huge pickup truck because you never know when you may need to help your buddy move his bull rhinoceros. The rest of the world knows it’s a compensation issue, but the cover story is easier to tell than if you would have bought a sports car. But, if for some reason you feel this big ball will stop spinnin’ if you don’t have that $40,000 SUV in your driveway then for the love of Baby Jeebus learn how to park the damn thing using only one space. There ought to be a law…

□ Professional Wrestling Fans

You'll note I didn’t say Professional Wrestling. Those guys have got their shit together. Millions and millions and millions of dollars and the marketing machine rolls on. It’s the fans that piss me off. Even the ones that say “I know it isn’t real…” Especially the ones that say “I know it isn’t real…”. And while the actors are certainly athletic, it also isn’t a sport. Please don’t give me that load of horseshit again. Sports don’t have scripts. And let me let you in on a little secret… if I come running at you and hit you in the head with a cinderblock, guess what happens in the really–real world? You fucking die. Period. You don’t stand there and start shaking with this really cool look in your eyes then rip your shirt off and start performing aerial acrobatics off the turnbuckles. You die. End. Of. Fucking. List. Against these people breeding? There ought to be a law…

□ NASCAR Fans

But first let me qualify. Not ALL NASCAR fans, just the ones that have the stickers on their cars and then do 60 m.p.h. in the hammer lane. Whatever happened to emulating your heroes, huh? Either take the stickers off or hit the gas pedal. This is especially true when you mix this one with the aforementioned “Those of you with monster SUV's and pickup trucks that work in offices” crowd. Hint: the accelerator is the long, skinny pedal on the right. The more you push it down, the faster you go. There ought to be a law…

□ Flagmen (or the variant Flagwomen) in Construction Zones

Fuck! Would you pay attention? Your job is not that difficult. I mean, don’t ruin your good gig by letting traffic back up for 6 miles in rush hour for outbound traffic while you leave the inbound lane with its all–of–6 cars open for a half hour. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, realize 2 things;
1) The people that sit there waiting for you to do simple arithmetic aren’t making $22/hour to sit there like you are, and
2) you could be easily replaced by a bucket of sand to hold your sign and a simple motor, belt and remote control commonly available at Radio Shack for about $15.00. There ought to be a law…

□ Using Your Religion to Tacitly Explain why You are an Asshole

Or why you are better than someone else. Or why you obviously know far more about the world and are far more enlightened because you can find East without a compass or moss on a tree or anything. Or why your viewpoint on a religion or a people has more credibility because you fucked somebody once who’s sister’s cousin’s uncle’s former roommate’s next–door neighbor was a(n) <insert chosen minority/nationality/et al here>. For the love of God (and I mean that), get the fuck over it already. You’re just as screwed up as I am, and you don’t know shit from Shinola anymore than I do when it comes to what, if anything, is out there. Or what, if anything really is out there, it/he/she wants from us. There ought to be a law…

□ Giving an Asshole such as Yours Truly a Forum

That’s just insane. There ought to be a law…

Until next time, just write, damn it.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Details...An Open Letter to Film Makers

First and foremost, my sincerest thanks and appreciation go out to all of you that bring us the movies and television programs that have become a near and dear staple to our way of life. Our lives would be far less richer without your efforts, from the big-budget, big-studo productions all the way down to the guy on Youtube with some fake blood, a bad zombie script, a digital camera and fifteen minutes to kill. Good movies, bad movies, movies that are so bad they're good... we watch 'em all.

But...

Now that you are making movies, you want us to watch them. We have, do and will, make no mistake about that. But since we've often as not paid for the experience in one way or another, whether through money or just our time, we really need you to pay more attention to the little things; the details. And before you start rallying the indie troops against me, let me make clear that I'm not talking about some "Nitpickers Guide" shit here. I'm not going to care a whole lot that the Starfleet Insignia on Kirk's uniform is a half-inch to the left in this scene and a half to the right in the next. I don't give a shit that the tiny nick on Bruce Campbell's chin seems to disappear and reappear at random throughout a movie. I don't really even care when you play a song from 1956 in a movie that's set in 1954. Well, okay, maybe that one I might comment on. But these things don't nag at me. It's the practical details and not necessarily the continuity errors that really get to me.

Okay, okay, it's a movie. Got that part. I realize that often (especially in the genres I tend to watch) we're dealing with what could be considered an alternate history, present or future. I accept that there will be differences in our reality as opposed to the one on the screen. Got that part, too. But, and I have driven creative partners crazy with this over the years, whatever your mythos is, it has to make sense within its own world. Not only that, but you can't fall back on the "I'm portraying a different world here" talk when you're using items, conventions and practical issues gleaned directly from our own reality. I'm not talking about the elements that comprise your story here. I'm talking about the common-sense things that any professional on-set advisor or, lacking the funds for that, some good basic research will alleviate. We all know the concept of the "hero gun". You know, the weapon the hero's using that never seems to run out of ammo unless it increases the drama, that never seems to miss until it's important to the story that it does etc etc. I'm not really addressing that here. As an author, I understand how something like that is a plot device. I can handle that, though I'll still frown when you do it. Mostly because I've done my research and you apparently haven't. So what exactly am I talking about here? I'm talking about the little things that are esily corrected yet my mind will snatch up to the point that it takes me out of your story. Things like....

  • I see a plain-clothes cop. He has his pistol holstered on his right hip. He has two magazine pouches on his belt behind the holster. This isn't done, because it would require the cop to shift the pistol into his off-hand, draw a magazine, load it into the pistol and then swap hands again.
  • When the dead rise, they are not doing so from the grave. First and foremost, they're under 4-6 feet of dirt. That's aproximately 78-117 cubic feet of earth and rock with an approximate weight of 6200-93o0 lbs. pressing down. The body is typically buried in the prone position, meaning that it would first have to dig a cavity for itself (with nowhere for the earth to go) before it could even begin to try to surface. You're not digging through that with human hands. But then, the zombie wouldn't get the chance to, at least if it had been buried by proper convention. The zombie would ideally be interred in a coffin of some sort that has been built to withstand the pressure of said earth and rock pusing down on it without crushing it. Again, human hands, especially rotting ones, are not going to be able to get through the coffin. Add to it that most municipalities have required cement vaults to be placed in the grave to receive the coffin. Please, give me more zombies. But, stop showing them crawling from the grave unless you're also going to tell me their amazingly strong. You can do that, and I'll buy it, but you have to tell or show me that.
  • And another thing about my zombies; please, please do not show me zombies walking around mostly whole and hale that are also dated to anything more than a few years past. Don't show me pilgrim zombies, Native American war-painted zombies or ones that obviously died generations ago. Modern funerary technology is just that, fairly modern. Yes, we have formaldehyde and other preservation methods now, but your older-generation zombies were likely buried pretty much as-is, meaning their rate of decomposition is much faster than today's properly-prepared corpse. And, unless they've been a member of the undead elite since shortly after their natural deaths, there's no body left to get up. Perhaps a few bones, maybe some skin and hair, but there's no muscle tissue, eyes or much of anything else left there to work with. If you want to use this, you have some pretty fancy explaining to do to get me to buy it. That's not impossible to do, mind you, but it's something you'll need to do regardless.
  • The machette, the katana, even the axe are all great weapons. However, in unskilled hands you are very, very unlikely to completely sever a limb or head from the body in one attack. It requires a great deal of skill in the placement of a strike, knowledge of the weapon and physicall power to lop off a head or arm with even the best-made of bladed weapons. The tiny little smart-blonde that's only used a steak knife is highly unlikely to to be able to cut off the killer's head with one swift blow.
  • Back to guns again, especially for all of you that are using all digital-effects to show gunfire. You really need to understand the basic workings of the gas-operated action commonly used in one variation or another by most semi-automatic and automatic firearms. It's not enough to have muzzle flash, sound effects and (though many forget this detail) ejected rounds done in post because you don't have the skilled weapons handler on site or even functioning weapons. The action has to move and the port has to open to eject the spent casing. I see the flash, hear the bang and notice the spent casings flying out. However, they're coming out of nowhere. The action is closed or in some cases locked open. If you're going to do this, okay... but stop showing me closeups of the discharge side of the weapon or extend your CGI efforts to have an opening and closing action. We notice these things, and it bugs us.
  • Hate to go back to the well on this one, but I don't care if you are as big as Ahnold; you are not firing a .12 gauge shotgun with one hand without some serious consequences. I won't go into those, all I'll say is if you ever get the chance to see someone do this, take the opportunity. Bring popcorn for you and band-aids and aspirin for the shooter.
  • Flicking a cigarette into a puddle of diesel fuel will more often than not extinguish the cigarette, not cause it to immediately blow up. Gasoline, very likely. Diesel fuel, no. I won't go into the physics of it here. Look it up.
  • Canning jars, beer bottles and other retail glass receptacles are made to withstand cross-country transport and rough handling. Try throwing a Mason jar onto grass from the 2nd story. Odds are better than good it's not going to break. And if you've ever tried the "break the beer bottle and use the neck as a weapon" trick, you were either very disappointed or made a very quick trip to an emergency room.
  • Getting hit by a crowbar across the face will drop you, hero or no. End of story.
  • The TSA is not a romantic agency. They will not be letting you run after the love of your life so she doesn't get on that plane. Please don't try this. We've all flown since 9/11. We know better.
  • If your character has an unnatural lifespan, you need to realize that he can't keep going back to or keep living in the same town. We've been led to believe that it's easier than ever to assume a new identity in this internet age. This is true to some degree, provided you are simply stealing an identity for a short time. Establishing a new identity now is much, much harder than just going and getting a birth certificate that matches your needs and using that to establish an identity. This is even worse if that character is going to continue his life in a highly professional capacity, such as a doctor, lawyer or even a cop. You're going to be investigated by your insurance company, hospital, federal agency et al. And, they're going to find out rather quickly that the character is not who they say they are. There are exceptions to this, but they are very few and far between. If you're going to do this, do your homework.
  • There will never be as many people at a karaoke night as you will show me. And if there is such a place in the real world, I don't want to know it.
  • When you have a character in a zombie/infected movie, it seems you're rather selective about secondary contamination. You'll show me a character hacking a zombie apart with a chainsaw with blood spattering all over the character, including into their mouths and eyes and nothing will happen to them. Meanwhile, in the same movie, another character will get a single drop of infected blood in their eye or mouth and they're infected. This is a very common thing that, if you haven't noticed it before now, I bet you will from now on. You need to be consistent with your mythos. I understand you're using this as a plot device. Okay, I can go with that. So, just don't show the first guy taking fluids and bits to the mouth etc.

There are so many more, but that's all I have time to cover for now. Yes, I'm likely nitpicking. Yes, I can be insufferable when you watch a movie with me. However, I can't help that. I'm a detail-guy. I notice these things. And if I'm noticing them, you can bet others are, too. You've spent so much time, effort and money to bring your vision to my screen. With just a little more effort and attention to detail, I'll be able to more fully involve myself in your tale and spend less time trying to figure out how the cop's going to reload or the zombie got out of the grave.

Until next time, just write, damn it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Rotting Meat - Fiction

Here's another little tale from one of my favorite continuing characters; Shakespeare. Please note, my vampires aren't cute, nor do they sparkle. On the plus side, they also don't knock up teenage girls and they don't play baseball. This story first appeared in "Night to Dawn" magazine, issue #13. - Author


“Ah… Shakespeare, is it?” Bruce Verago asked. The stink of old money mixed with his cologne as he crossed the room. “Right on time.”

“I’m on time. You’re late.” Shakespeare said.

“Really? I would have thought a man in your line of… work... would be used to unpredictability.” If the man was intimidated by the massive, long–haired assassin, he didn’t show it. Money had a way of lending false bravery to even the smallest of men.

“Tardiness is a sign of flawed character.” he returned simply.

“What?” Verago said, trying to decide if he had been insulted. He sat behind his massive desk and indicated a high–backed leather chair. Shakespeare sat and watched Verago. In at least his mid–sixties, the subtle scents of tanning lotion and hair dye gave the impression of a man trying desperately to retain his vital appearance. “I suppose you’re wondering why I called?”

“No. I’m wondering why otherwise intelligent people consistently ask that question. Stop wasting my time.”

“Ah! A man of few words, right down to business… I like that.” Verago said as he flipped open a large humidor.

“Prove it.” Shakespeare reached into the humidor without invitation and slipped a Cuban into his coat.

“First, I must say that I’m no stranger to… to the things that go bump in the night, so to speak. I know there are many things in this world that defy explanation but are nevertheless real…”

“Your mother must be proud.” Shakespeare interrupted dryly. Verago winced away the comment with a small smile then lit his cigar.

“I’m sure. My problem, and consequently yours, is a man named Felix. A drink?” Verago asked suddenly.

“Whiskey.” Shakespeare said as he lit a cigarette. Verago poured for both and handed him his glass.

“At any rate, this Felix seems to be a self–styled… vampire, for lack of a better term.” He handed a dossier to Shakespeare. Inside was surveillance–style pictures of a man in his late twenties with dozens of teenagers and twenty-somethings clustered around him, all dressed in varying shades of black.

“Goth. So what?”

“My son, Travis, is mixed up with this character. He’s been moping around dressed in black, wearing make–up and what have you. He even got dental implants to look like fangs.” He shook his head and sighed lightly. “Some nights he doesn’t come home. Nothing I do or threaten seems to help.”

Shakespeare stood and finished his drink. “You need Dr. Phil. Don’t call me.”

“Wait! I need you to find out if this Felix is really what he claims to be or if he’s just another kook. If he is a vampire, I want you to kill him. If he’s not, expose him. Either way, I want him eliminated from my son’s life.”

Shakespeare flipped through the pictures again. “You realize if this punk isn’t the real deal, you’re going to spend a lot of buck for very little bang.”

“That’s why I will give you half of your fee now. If Felix isn’t what he claims, then we can call it even. If he is, I will pay you the rest when he’s dead…”

“My fee is non–negotiable. Fuck you.”

Verago smiled and turned his chair to the wall. “Very well; but I will require proof that Felix is one or the other.” He slid a panel off the wall to reveal a safe. After a few moments of fumbling he pulled out several stacks of neat, new bills. “I don’t normally deal in cash.” he commented dryly.

“Don’t think your platinum card could handle it.” Shakespeare returned. “Pay me when I come back. Where’s the kid?”

“In his rooms, if he’s here. One of the servants…”

“I’ll find it.”

#

The sounds of death metal music drew Shakespeare to a large set of once–ornate, locked double doors, their deep–grained oak painted black and adorned with all manner of stickers and signs designed to make parents cringe. A heavy boot admitted him into the dimly-lit room beyond, a massive plasma screen in the corner mutely showing The Lost Boys the source of the thin illumination. No slave to Edison’s inventions, Shakespeare could easily see empty pizza boxes, beer and soda cans and general filth; the natural habitat of the unsupervised teenager.

He followed the music down the hall into a large bedroom. A computer screen provided the only light, its screen swaying and pulsing to the beat. Shakespeare pulled a large revolver from his coat and put the computer out of its misery, the report easily heard over the dying music. The boy sat up from his bed and screamed as he fumbled for a light. By the time the small bedside lamp winked to life the assassin stood over him.

“Who… what the fuck…” Travis Verago was a typical, scrawny young man, the type that hadn’t yet grown into his body. Shakespeare almost laughed at the sleep–smeared makeup and glossy implanted fangs that made him look more like a raccoon than the undead as he reached down and grabbed a handful of Travis's hair and lifted him from the bed.

“I hear you don’t listen well.” Shakespeare said around the boy’s screams for help. He threw Travis across the room. “Shut up.” He picked Travis up by the shirtfront and slammed him against the freshly–broken plaster. “Scream and I rip out your barker. Clear?” The boy fell mute as he realized his feet were no longer in contact with the floor. The boy stared at the assassin with unconditional fear, unable to take his eyes off his dark glasses. “Your dad was wrong… you can listen.”

“Who… what…” Travis stammered.

“That's not listening, Travis.” He held Travis suspended above the floor and examined his neck and face. “I could grow corn behind those ears, boy.” Shakespeare commented as he put Travis down and stepped back. “We can do this easy or hard. Either way, I don’t care.”

“I don’t… what do you want?” Travis shouted.

“Did Felix mark you, or is he just a wannabe?”

Felix? My dad put you up to this… what is this, some kind of scared straight bullshit?” Travis said, emboldened.

“Oh, good… the hard way.” Shakespeare said. He snatched Travis’s chin and threw him back to the bed. He was on him in an instant, ripping the young man’s bedclothes from him. Travis struggled and screamed as Shakespeare examined every inch of him.

“Jesus! What are you… a perv’?” Travis screamed. Shakespeare backhanded him across the face. The boy screamed even louder and held his face while Shakespeare continued his examination without further interruption. Two small wounds no larger than a pencil tip peeked at him from high on the boy’s left inner thigh.

“Perv’? I’m not the one that let a vampire suck me off.” Shakespeare stood and looked down at the boy. The blood had flowed freely from Travis's nose and onto his naked chest. Shakespeare breathed in the heady scent of fear tinged with copper and smiled. “Some things you just never get tired of.” He lit a cigarette as Travis sat up weakly, one hand still cradling his face.

“You broke my nose…!” Travis said.

“The bite.” Shakespeare said. “When?” Travis looked up at him with watery yet defiant eyes and tried to wipe away the blood. “Hey, I’m easy.” Shakespeare said, a toothy smile spreading across his face. He slipped a short, polished stake from his coat and started to twirl it around his fingers like a magician’s coin. “See, I can find out what I need just by looking around. You Goth punks are all the same. A bit of poetry here and a journal entry there about how the world is just so damn unfair and I’ll know just where to look without you. That would mean I have no use for you. And since you’re bit, I’ll stake your ass anyway just to be sure.” He leaned over and grabbed Travis by the neck, shoving him deep into the mattress. He raised the stake over his head just as Travis gasped and shook his head back and forth rapidly. “Oh… something to say?” Shakespeare eased his grip enough to let the young man breathe.

“Two… two… weeks ago…” Travis gasped, sucking in great gulps of air.

Shakespeare let go, stood and slipped the stake back into his coat. “This is how it works. You’re going to answer every question I ask with perfect truth. Cross me, you’re nothing but noise. Got it?” Travis nodded slowly. Shakespeare reached down and touched the tip of his finger to the blood. He slurped noisily and smiled. “You’re lucky.”

“W… why…?”

“You’re still human.”

#

“Never been on a bike before, huh?” Shakespeare asked the trembling youth as he dismounted and lit a cigarette. “Could tell by the screaming. Not very brave for a guy that wants to be a vampire, are you?”

“Felix will kill you.” Travis said softly. “He’s powerful.”

Shakespeare paused and looked down at him. “Is he? Tell me, why would such a powerful cocksucker like him waste time on runts like you?”

“We’re the new race…” Travis said, his voice stronger. “He’s going to bring about a new world… a world where we rule…”

“Come on, kid. Don’t you think if that was going to happen somebody would've done it already? Do you know how long vamps’ have been around? Wouldn’t he have already turned you and a bunch of other punks? Face it kid. You’re nothing but blood.”

“He’s waiting for the right time…!”

“His plan…” Shakespeare interrupted, “…is to keep his little farm. Hunting is the biggest problem a modern vampire has in this CSI world. He’s got enough punks he can rotate every few weeks without having to. And if a mistake happens and one of you fucks goes and dies on him…”

“That’s when we turn! That’s when the promise comes due and we take our rightful place!” Travis nearly cried out.

“Really? Have you ever met one that was turned that way? Has any of your buddies come back with real, new dental work? Wake up. You’re cattle.”

“Felix wouldn’t…”

“Whatever.” Shakespeare cut him off. “Where…?”

When Travis didn’t answer he turned to find the young man running down the alley. He smiled and started walking, the scent of Travis’ blood like breadcrumbs on a path.

#

“Again, Travis… slower this time.” Felix said soothingly. “Who is this man?”

“I don’t know, Master! He didn’t give his name… he just started beating me up… I think my dad sent him… he knows…”

“Knows what?” Felix asked. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him nothing, Master! I swear! He knew your…!” Travis wiped the sweat from his face, smearing the blood that had remained. “Look! He broke my nose because I wouldn’t talk…”

“Fool! You’ve led him right to us!” Felix fluffed the ruffles on his silk shirt and smoothed his badly–dyed black hair and goatee before he strode into the dilapidated house’s living room. A dozen young people lounged on rotting furniture, listening to loud, jarring music and talking amongst themselves. “Turn the music down.” he instructed. A girl of not more than fifteen turned the music off as all heads swung towards Felix. “We may have a problem. There may be a hunter coming for me, and I hold each of you to your oath to defend me.” Shocked silence ran thick through the room. When they had taken their oaths, they had promised in blood to do their master’s bidding even to their deaths. But youthful promises held little meaning in the face of real danger. Felix cast about the room, looking deeply at each. “Was your oath given in fair weather, only to be forgotten in the face of the storm? I said to arms!”

“Master…” a twenty–ish man dressed as close to Felix in style as he dared started, “…who’s coming?”

“I do not know. Yet. Prove your loyalty. Kill him and bring his still–warm corpse before me so that I may feast!” He went to an old cabinet and threw open the door, revealing various firearms that his children had stolen. He started grabbing weapons and throwing them around the room, stopping only when each was armed.

“I don’t know how to use this…” a young girl mumbled. In a burst of inspiration, she dropped the revolver and ran for the door.

“Travis!” Felix bellowed, “Kill her!” Travis raised his pistol, his face a knot of conflicted emotion. Breathless seconds later, her hand upon the door, Felix ripped the weapon from his uncertain grip and shot her in the back of the head. He turned the weapon on Travis and backed him against the wall, his fangs bared. “The next order refused will be the last sound any of you hear!” He jammed the muzzle against Travis’ forehead as the group started to scream. “This is what happens when you deny your oath…!”

Just then the front door burst open. Splinters and dust filled the air as Shakespeare stepped over the girl’s body. The room erupted into a cacophony of screams as some raised their weapons and others threw them down and ran for other parts of the house. Felix trained his weapon on Shakespeare and hissed. “Kill him, my children! Kill him and take your place by my side!” Felix roared.

Shakespeare looked around the room as he brushed a few errant splinters from his long mane. “Drop the weapons. Leave now.” he said as he stepped away from the door. Almost as one, seven of Felix’ remaining followers threw down their weapons and ran. Felix screamed and fired several times, dropping two of them as they fled, then fired several rounds into Shakespeare and emboldening the remaining youths to fire. Most of the bullets failed to hit anything but wall, but a few lucky shooters managed to hit their mark. Shakespeare slumped, his back against the wall.

“Ohshitohshit…” one girl blurted out as she backed away towards the furthest wall of the room. She was joined by the rest as they realized that the man wasn’t dying. On the contrary; he was smiling.

“I’m feeling generous today…” Shakespeare whispered darkly. “You could even say downright fucking giddy. Get the fuck out, or so help me I’ll skull-fuck every last one of you…” he warned, his smile never wavering. The room devolved into panic as the youths pushed and shoved each other to be the first out of every available door and window save for the one he occupied. When the dust cleared, only Felix, Travis and the assassin remained.

“Stay back…” Felix warned. He slipped behind Travis and held the gun to the young man’s temple. “I’ll kill him!”

Shakespeare shrugged. “I give a fuck?” Felix tightened his grip as the assassin came near.
“Damnit! I’m not kidding here!” Felix screamed, his voice devoid of the strength and persuasiveness it held only moments ago. It also seemed to lose the European accent he'd been effecting.

“Not without this…” Shakespeare said. Less than a blink later, Felix's pistol was on the floor. “Sweet little misguided Travis…” Shakespeare said, his voice soft and mocking. “Guess money can’t buy brains, either.” He reached out and threw Travis to the floor while he snatched Felix’ throat with his free hand. Travis rolled a few feet across the floor then finally sat up, tears streaming down his face.

“I… I… I want… I want to go… home…” Travis blubbered through his sobs.

“Aw… what’s the matter? Playing vampire a little too much for you?” Shakespeare said.

“I… I…” Travis stammered back at him.

“Travis…” Shakespeare interrupted as he looked at the boy then back to Felix, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your buddy, here. So what came first, the fag thing or the vampire thing?”

Travis stood on shaking legs then braced himself against the wall as he looked at the pair. Felix’s eyes betrayed a fear that he was sure had been in his own just a few moments before. “I don’t understand…” Travis said.

“Kid… think…” Shakespeare let go of Felix. “There. You’re free. Do something a vampire would do. I mean other than that horrible accent.” Long moments later, Felix finally bared his fangs and hissed violently. Travis reached down, picked up a discarded pistol and aimed it at Shakespeare’s back.

“Leave him alone!” Travis said. “Just… go… just get out of here… leave us alone…”

“Pardon me, will you?” Shakespeare asked Felix before punching him. The vampire hadn’t even hit the floor before Shakespeare had Travis against the wall, his weapon dangling forgotten from nerveless fingers. “Time for an object lesson, little man.” Shakespeare kicked at the body of the young girl Felix had killed when Travis wouldn’t, rolled her over to face them then thrust Travis’ face near the ragged exit wound. “Dead; nothing more, nothing less. Your buddy over there, the one you’re ready to kill and die for, shot her in the head. You knew her, didn’t you?” Shakespeare waited for a response but got only a choked sob. “What was her name?” Again, silence. He shoved the boy’s head into her dead, bloodied face and rubbed his nose in the cooling crimson like a house training puppy. “Damnit, I asked you a question! What was her name?”

“Tina!” Travis screamed, his voice muffled against the corpse’ face. “Her name’s Tina!”

Was Tina. Now it’s rotting meat.” Shakespeare let the boy roll away from the body then smiled as he picked him up by the shirtfront so that their eyes were level. From this vantage Travis could look down at the assassin's broad chest to see thick, black blood seeping through the bullet holes in Shakespeare's shirt.
"What... what are you?" Travis asked.

“Me? I’m just like Tina…” Shakespeare said, chuckling. “…just another bag of rotting meat.”

Felix had come around and was staring at Shakespeare, eyes wide. “Master!” Felix suddenly screamed as he scrambled to his feet and started down the hall. Shakespeare cursed then heaved Travis's flailing body down the hall after him. The boy didn’t have time to scream as he sailed unerringly into Felix’ back. The two crashed together and hit the floor in a heap of pumping arms and legs. Shakespeare reached down and dead Tina's head from side to side, sighing as he did.
“Just one more thing to wrap up.” Shakespeare said as he went down the hall and stopped to loom over the pair as Felix and Travis as they tried to untangle themselves. “Felix… where you going in such a hurry?” He looked down the hall and saw a door at its end. “The cellar, right? Travis… I'll bet that none of you were ever allowed in the basement without this fuck.” Shakespeare said as he kicked Felix in the ribs for emphasis. Felix fell to his side in the fetal position. Travis sat dazed from his flight but managed to nod mutely. Shakespeare grabbed both by the hair and dragged them down the hall. He broke the cheap lock and hasp with one pull on the door then pushed both of them down the steps to the basement.

“You see…” Shakespeare said as he walked down the steps behind them, “…here’s the deal. Travis, your buddy here is a real vampire.” He reached down, opened Felix’ mouth and pushed his upper lip to his nose. “A very young one, but still a vampire.” he said as he examined the fangs. “Less than a year.” Shakespeare drug Felix to the steps and put his mouth around the bottom tread. The vampire, sensing what was about to happen, started to struggle. The assassin smiled as he lifted his foot and brought it down on the back of the vampire’s head. The viciousness of the curb bite broke the tread from the riser as the vampire howled then rolled away. Shakespeare picked up the broken step, the young vampire’s fangs still stuck in the wood.
“See…” he said, displaying the board for Travis, “…for the first year or two, you’re not very strong at all. You don’t get to the neat stuff ‘til around five years. He couldn’t have turned you if he’d wanted to.” Shakespeare plucked the fangs from the board then put them in his shirt pocket. “And, I bet if you looked down here, you’d find some needles, bags, what have you. He was draining blood from all you little geniuses then drinking it, not biting you. His jaw muscles aren’t developed enough for clean hunting. Have to admit, though; pretty sweet scam.”

“I… no… he bit me… and…” Travis said, confusion mixing with the pain from his last few violent minutes.

“I don’t need to hear about the and part…” Shakespeare interrupted. “Just one other thing…” he said almost to himself. He looked around, shrugged and pulled a stake from his coat. He used his foot to roll Felix over onto his back then plunged the stake into his chest. Felix howled like a banshee and bucked against the assassin’s fist still wrapped around the stake. “Come out, come out wherever you are…” Shakespeare sang as he brought his other fist down, plunging the wood so deeply that none of it was left above the flesh.

Felix’ body shook. Smoke roiled from his chest as his flesh and muscles started melting away. Within moments, only a black pool of putrid ooze remained in the silk shirt. Travis stared at the transformation with tears streaming down his face. He opened his mouth to speak but his words were drowned out by a muffled, pain–filled moan. Travis looked about wildly then crawled behind Shakespeare as the lid on a large, rusty chest freezer opened from the inside.

“They feel what their whelps feel.” Shakespeare said by way of explanation as a man, bald and gaunt, slowly climbed from the freezer and regarded the pair. “So when you find a whelp, you usually find its master.” Shakespeare nodded to the newcomer and took a drag from his cigarette.

“Ready to die, slayer?” the vampire asked, his hands dropping to his sides as his fingernails grew to the size of small knife blades.

“You’re not on the list.” Shakespeare said simply. Travis stood but remained behind the assassin. “Get a good look at him, kid. That’s what a real vampire looks like. You hide where you can. Feed where you can.” He nodded to the vampire. “Aren’t you getting tired of this shit? Look at yourself… you’re sleeping in a freezer for Christ's sake. ”

“I am what I am…” the ragged vampire answered.

Shakespeare flicked his dying cigarette away. “Boy toy over there made a mess. Cops’ll be along as soon as I call them. Lots of bodies, lots of questions. My guess is… they’ll check the freezer.” He turned and put his foot on the stairs.

“You’re leaving?” Travis asked, his hand gripping the assassin’s drover coat tightly.

“Well, if you want to stay, go ahead. He may be looking for a new understudy. That’s what you wanted, right? Be like good ole’ Felix over there?” Shakespeare nodded to the pool of congealing goo on the floor and smiled. “That’s the point, right?”

Travis looked between the hunter and vampire. “No… no… but… you’re just going to leave him here?”

“Well, I’m not taking him home. He’s not housebroken.” Shakespeare quipped. “You’ve got a nice, big place though.” he said thoughtfully.

“I mean…you’re not going to kill him?” Travis said, whispering. The vampire growled low in his throat and stared at the young man.

“Hey, kid…” Shakespeare said in a stage whisper, “…I think the v…a…m…p…i…r…e can hear you…” He looked at the vampire and shook his head. “No contract. Wouldn’t be fair to my paying customers.”

Before Shakespeare took more than two steps Travis was pulling on his coat like a three year old in a candy store. “But he’s the reason Tina and the others are dead… if you don’t kill him, he’ll just do it again!”

“Yeah. Sucks. Still not my problem.” Shakespeare started to move again, but Travis wouldn’t budge.

“What’s your fee?” Travis asked.

“I don’t take change, kid. Even if you roll it…”

“You know my father… I can have all the money I want. I’m good for it, whatever the price…"
Shakespeare smirked, shook his head then dropped over the side of the stairs to the floor below.

#

Travis led the assassin past the gaggle of worried-looking house servants. It was late, but he knew his father would be waiting for them. The odd pair walked into the study, Travis going ahead of him to the side of his father’s desk. Verago turned his chair to face his son, a deep streak of concern etched on his face.

“What the hell happened to you?” Verago asked as he turned the boy’s head this way and that, taking in the bruises and cuts he’d suffered. “Shakespeare, hurting my son wasn’t part of the deal.”

The slayer pulled out the cigar he’d taken from Verago’s own humidor earlier. “You didn’t say I shouldn’t, either.” He bit the end off the cigar and spit it into the ashtray on his desk several feet away. “Next time, be specific.”

“My God… what did he do to you…?” Verago asked in a loud whisper.

“Nothing.” Travis answered, his voice soft but clear. “Nothing I didn’t deserve, anyway.”

“I just spent a lot of money. I should at least get a story out of it, as well as the proof.” Verago said.

“You got it.” he said and nodded to the desk. Verago looked at the piece of cigar Shakespeare had spat and saw two stained fangs stuck in the tobacco. He pushed the butt around the ashtray with a pen skeptically.

“And how do I know that these are real? For the money I spent, I should get more proof than that.”

“All that’s left when you stake ‘em.” Shakespeare said, lighting the cigar. “I’m sure your boy can fill in the blanks for you. Time to settle up.”

“I know who you are, Shakespeare…” Verago said darkly as he pushed his son to the side of his chair and stood. “And unless you want the rest of the world to know, I suggest you consider tonight a personal favor to me and go about your merry way…”

“If you know so much, then you should know what’s about to happen, and what will happen to the men behind the bookcase…” Shakespeare said. Verago pulled a large crucifix from his desk drawer and brandished it just inches from Shakespeare’s face. The assassin smiled. “For one, that only works for a man of faith, not the moneychangers. Two…” He reached up and wrapped his gloved fingers around the central point of the cross. Thin wisps of smoke slivered away as the holy symbol burned the flesh beneath the leather. “…it doesn’t work so well on me, anyway.”
Guards stepped out from behind a bookcase and raised their pistols. “Hope you rented them.” Shakespeare said to Verago. Travis backed against the wall as the guards opened fire. Unlike the children, these men were well–schooled in their weapons. Lead slugs tore into Shakespeare's arm, chest and face, slamming him against the wall. Verago pushed his son away, pulled a wood stake from behind his back and rushed the assassin, seeking to sink the stake deep into his chest. But just as the stake came near, Shakespeare threw up a hand. The stake struck his hand and sank through the leather, through the flesh beneath and another inch past his palm. With his free hand, he grabbed Verago’s offending wrist and twisted it sharply until something inside audibly cracked.

“You have got to be kidding me…” Shakespeare hissed as he pushed Verago to his knees by his shattered wrist. He looked across the room at the guards and smiled as two of his incisors grew to twice again their length. He pulled his dark glasses from his face with his staked hand and stared at them with black, glittering eyes. The bullets had already started to expel from his body, the wounds oozing black blood as they slowly closed. “Two choices. Live. Die.” he said to the guards. They looked at each other only once before they started to move towards the door. “Good choice.”

Trevor stared at the assassin, mouth agape and eyes wide in terror. “You… you’re… one of them…”

“Yeah. Ain’t life a bitch?” Shakespeare answered quietly. He pulled the stake from his hand and winced as the wound started to close over then lifted the whimpering Verago from the floor and slammed him onto his own desk. “This is gonna’ hurt like hell…” Shakespeare said as he brought the stake down through Verago's already-injured wrist. Verago screamed as the stake slid through and embedded into the wood below, pinning his arm in place.

“You’re not going to… to…” Travis asked as he made himself as small as he could against the wall. Shakespeare didn’t need his acute sense of smell to know that the boy had voided his bladder moments before.

“What? Kill him? Drink his blood?” Shakespeare asked, the last in his best Count Chocula imitation. “I’m not that kind of vampire, kid. Not anymore. I’m a business man.” He looked down at Verago and smiled. “It’s called ethics. Look it up.”

“Take… take anything you want… just… just don’t kill me…” Verago said, his voice more afraid than pained.

“That was the plan.” He turned and hurled a punch at the wall behind the desk. The wood panel cracked and fell away revealing the safe. “Travis, if you would be so kind?” he asked, indicating the safe.

“What? I… I don’t know…”

“You’re the son of a rich man. Don’t stand there and tell me you don’t know the combination to his safe. Felix didn’t buy those duds on a vampire’s salary.” Travis slowly made his way to the safe, keeping as much distance between him and the slayer as he could. He spun the dial a few times, worked the combination and threw open the door. Shakespeare reached in and withdrew several thick stacks of bills, their denominations rarely seen anywhere but in bank vaults. He counted them, taking only what was his fee and left the rest as he had found it. “Now. There’s the matter of your bill. You didn’t plan on following your dad’s poor example, did you?”

“No… take what you want from the safe…” Travis answered, making a point not to look at his father.

“That’s not yours to give.” Shakespeare said. Travis stared up at him.

“I… I could dip into my trust, but I won’t be able to do that until in the morning…”

“Payment due when services rendered, kid.” Shakespeare said as Verago groaned on the desk. Shakespeare punched him in the shoulder, sending waves of pain down the arm to meet with their kin at his wrist, silencing him. He turned back to Travis and advanced on him.

Travis breathed heavily as he nearly collapsed against the wall. “No… please…” he gasped as the vampire hunter pulled a pair of chromed pliers from his coat. He was smiling.
#

Travis buzzed for his father’s butler then staggered to the window to watch the slayer’s motorcycle tear down the estate drive to the gates. Blood poured from his mouth where his artificial fangs had been, staining his shirt and the carpet below. Those silly teeth now lay bloody in the bottom of a pocket in the hunter’s voluminous leather coat. He realized that the life of a vampire wasn’t cool anymore. It wasn’t… useful. But the life of a vampire hunter? How cool would that be?